Chapter 10 - Trust

The wounds of manipulation destroy trust.  Lack of trust is why people don’t change.  Broken trust is a scalding, instant pain much like touching a hot stove.  We are reticent to ever feel it again and so we carefully guard against it.  No one likes the pain of disappointment that comes of broken promises and violated trust.  We are quick to put up walls and barriers.  We put on oven mitts before coming near the danger again.  We shore up our defenses or cower down in our hidey holes and refuse to come out until we’re certain the coast is clear.  Is it any wonder we are so hard to reach?  How are we to distinguish the trustworthy from those who’ll selfishly hurt us again?  No one wants to be vulnerable when the cost of a mistake can hurt so badly.  To attempt a change in our lives is to come out of our fortifications into that scary world.  It is hard to let ourselves become that vulnerable again.

While serving at the Detention Center, I had a remarkable compatriot.  His name is Darwin.  The youth just loved him.  More than a year after his being called elsewhere, the kids still inquire after him.  The thing that made Darwin so special was that he was vulnerable.  He hid nothing from them, including his tears.  It is a hard and vulnerable thing to weep in front of others.  Some will not understand.  Some with judge and tease and say hurtful things.  Darwin has felt the sting of such unkindness many times, but he refuses to withdraw to a King’s X were he’ll be safe from that.  Why?  Because Darwin knows that in order to draw wounded people out of the turtle shell of safety they’ve grown around themselves they have to trust.  Darwin also knows that trust begets trust.  He trusts the kids to keep his confidences.  He trusts them to not make fun of his weakness.  He takes a huge risk.  But, he thinks it’s worth it, because they sense that if Darwin feels safe out there, maybe they might be too.  They test the waters in Darwin’s presence and nothing happens, so out they come and bask in the sunshine a while.  When he’s not there, they usually draw back into their shells, but they risk it when he’s around because they know that even if they get stung, it will also sting Darwin and they’ll deal with it together.

I think that one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is to be willing to be vulnerable in their presence.  My own dear Father had a difficult time being vulnerable.  He was a very capable accomplished man.  He appeared to me to be perfect so I could, in no way relate to him.  He, like most parents was also a manipulator and was the cause of much of my pain.  I never dared cry in his presence except when he took a belt to my backside.  In that case the wails and tears were indicative that he’d done his job.  I realize now that the society he lived in had manipulated him into conformity and that breaking out of that mold was just as difficult for him as it is for me. 

Long after my father had passed away, I had a sacred moment with him which is too special to describe here.  Let me just say that he came to me and showed me his weakness in a very vulnerable way.  My discovery of his humility, humanity and willingness to expose his weakness to me, was quite possibly the most cathartic experience of my life.  How wonderful that the Lord, in his mercy, saw me holed up in my shell and chose to allow my father to be the one to come and draw me out.  I can only imagine how healing it was for Dad as well.

Once my father was able to show me a different pattern of parenthood, I began to be willing to trust my Father in Heaven as well.  I love a little story told by Cheiko Okasaki in her book Lighten Up!  There she describes a hypothetical situation in which Jesus might show up at your door for a visit.  He is welcome in the tidy part of the house but, in this story, kept from the kitchen where things aren’t just right.

I just went back and reread that chapter in the book.  It is not at all like I remember it.  It seems, that I have subconsciously, rewritten the story to more accurately reflect my own weakness and circumstance.  It rather amused me to discover how I had embellished her sweet simple story with details of my own.  Here’s how the story goes in my mind’s version:

I get a card in the mail indicating that Jesus would like to come visit me on the following afternoon.  I realize that I’ll be hard pressed to make all the preparations.  The note says he’ll arrive at 4:30 PM, so I assume he’ll want to stay for supper.  I look at my calendar and see that my evening is booked at the Detention Center and that my morning has something too.  I think I can get to the store on the way back from that morning engagement and will probably have time to clean up the messy kitchen and fix a meal in the remaining time.  I go about my life at little harried, a little worried.

My morning meeting goes long.  The lines are long at the grocery store.  As I come in the driveway a neighbor flags me down with an emergency across the street that requires my attention.  I make it into the house two hours late and some of the food has spoiled in the hot car.  I’ll have to go to plan B as I can’t fix spoiled food for the Savior.  I’m just rolling up my sleeves to tackle three days of neglected dishes when the door bell rings.  I rush to answer it and find to my horrified dismay that He has arrived early!

Flustered I escort Him to the Home Teaching Room, move the morning paper off the best chair and invite Him to sit.  I make a few apologies, mingled with excuses and ask if he’d like some refreshment?  I explain that I’ll be leaving Him there while I go tidy up a bit and get dinner on, whereupon, according to Dixon’s version, I hand Him a Bible to read while he waits.

Oh boy, now I have to stop and interject some explanation about Dixon.  Dixon is a Native American fellow who has spent the past two years as my companion at the Detention Center.  He was seriously injured in a drunk-driving accident years ago.  He spent eight months in a coma and now has some disability.  His left side is partially paralyzed and his speech is difficult to understand.  He’s especially limited in speaking long sentences and gets completely muddled with paragraphs.  The result is that he’s become a master of the one liner.

Dixon has a deep understanding of the gospel.  He has a grateful, happy outlook on life.  Add to that a superior sense of humor and a flawless sense of timing and you get, well, the best teaching companion.  My lessons became drum rolls punctuated by Dixon’s rim shots.

Such was the case when, telling the above story to the kids in DT, I came to that part where I was awkwardly seating the Savior of the World in my drawing room and attempting to see to his needs.  I was just saying how I was about to leave him there with a magazine when Dixon interjected, “ Bible!”

See what I mean?  With one word, Dixon summarized my whole message.  We laughed and laughed at the stupidity of thinking that we in any way could presume to meets Jesus’ needs, especially with something He’d given to meet ours!

Now, back to the story:  As I’m about to leave, Jesus asks if He might come into the kitchen and help!  “Oh, of course not!” I protest.  “I could never let you see my messy kitchen!”

He kindly explains that He’d rather help and that He’s good at it.  Still I protest, but He patiently persists.  Finally, I reluctantly agree.  I’m sure that when He sees the mess there will be recriminations, “This place is a pig sty!  How can you live like this?”

Instead, He quietly, patiently rolls up His sleeves and goes to work beside me.  In the end I imagine a pleasant after noon of cooking and cleaning and pleasant conversation.

Actually, this story is not all imagination.  In order to recover from my addiction, I had to do exactly what I’ve described.  All my life I had left the Lord alone in the tidy parts of my soul.  Never inviting Him in where He might do some good.  It was a difficult day when I swung to doors wide and meekly invited Him in to see the messy parts.  They were far worse than a few days’ undone dishes.  My “kitchen” was a filthy, stinking can of worms.  Still, there was no condemnation just an invitation to join Him in cleaning up the mess.  He is very good at what He does.

That kind of trust, that kind of vulnerability is not easy to come by.  I think it is what the scriptures call being circumcised of heart; the willingness to become utterly vulnerable in order to become clean and enter the covenant.

So, if we are afraid and walled in, how do we get the courage to step out into the light and take the risk of trusting again?  I don’t know if there is a magic formula.  Some go there because they are smothering in their fortress and are driven out for air.  Others get exposed for who they really are and once exposed decide to face their humiliation and do something about it.  Others, finding someone they can truly trust, with whom their confidence has grown over time, may trust their confidant and accept an invitation to emerge from their prison/shelter.  Remember, manipulation has driven them there; manipulation will not bring them back.  No selfish effort on my part is going to initiate trust and vulnerability on the part of another.

Chapter 9 - Manipulating God

I once had occasion to be a commission salesman.  There were times when the job paid quite well.  But then there were lean times when, having not sold a thing, I had no revenue coming in.  Those were scary times.

I remember one Saturday morning.  I got up early.  My mind had been reeling in the night worrying about making sufficient money.  I read the scriptures, said my prayers and determined that I’d fast and pray that I might have a good day in the sales department.  I told Heavenly Father as much.  I informed him that it was my intention to fast and pray that day.  In my prayer I implied that I was willing to starve myself and go thirsty during a hot day on the lot and that considering that sacrifice, it was only fitting that God grant me some sales.  At this point I got a very different answer to my prayers than I expected.

The Spirit whispered to me something to this effect, “I thought fasting was meant to assist you in learning to submit your will to that of the Father.  Instead, it appears that you are seeking to put God on a guilt trip.  Do you really intend to use your fast as a means to inflict your will upon God?  Do you really intend to manipulate the Father?”

On that occasion I was duly chastened and went about my fast in an entirely different and more productive fashion.  This was no small event for me.  It was an epiphany of life changing proportions.  It changed the way I’ll fast, forever more.  More importantly, it set me on a course of seeking to know and do the will of the Father continually.

It was one thing to sit back and let God drive.  It was quite another to seek his will and to deliberately, aggressively attempt to accomplish it.

Sign seeking is a manipulative activity.  It is a negotiating procedure intended to get the recipient what he wants.  Like all manipulation, it ends up backfiring in one’s face.  Take Sherem[1] for example; or Korihor[2].  They were using the challenge for a sign to prove their own ends.  They had no desire to change their position, but rather used the challenge with the intent of strengthening their position.

It was not so for Gideon[3], who was seeking a sign of assurance, not delivering a challenge to disprove his skeptical position.  It was plain that Gideon was a believer and that he fully intended to do what was asked of him.  Gideon’s question was concerning his own capabilities and whether or not he was adequately able to receive revelation by the still small voice.  He heard the message but wanted assurance that he’d interpreted it correctly.  In his humble and inadequate state, he couldn’t imagine that God would want someone as weak as he to do such important work.  He was willing to go to the ends of the earth if that was truly what God wanted of him.  He just needed to be sure that such was truly what God wanted.

Again, entirely different than the sign seeking Sherem or Korihor were engaged in.

Helaman sought and received assurances before taking his stripling army into battle[4].  The 16 glowing stones of the Jaredites surely assured them that God was with them, not unlike the pillar and cloud that stood before Israel in the Wilderness.  Those manifestations were all intended for comfort and guidance to those who were willing to do the will of God and just needed a little encouragement to help them overcome the weakness of the flesh.  There was no manipulation in them, or in those who looked to them for strength. 

While God clearly hopes we’ll have thought our position through and that we be prepared to defend it, He is not in the haggling, negotiating for the best deal, business.  As a good friend puts it, “God isn’t running a Trading Post.”  He knows what’s best and is uncompromising in His position of truth and wisdom.  This is not to say that He cannot be negotiated with.  Joseph Smith and Martin Harris, for reasons of personal advantage, negotiated with God until he granted that the Book of Mormon manuscript be shown to scholars.  It appears that He did so because Joseph especially, need more work in the trust and surrender department.  I don’t think Heavenly Father would have budged, had the consequences reached into the lives of innocent others.  While it might have, God, in his wisdom had long before planned to keep the damage confined to those for whom the lesson was intended.

The Father doesn’t manipulate us; neither should we attempt to manipulate Him.  Manipulation is the devil’s tool; not God’s.

The Lord doesn’t do guilt trips; that lies in Satan’s realm and satisfies his selfish purposes.  God invites us to follow.  He allows us the choice.  He does provide consequences but not to somehow satisfy Him; but rather to satisfy justice.  God doesn’t brow beat us and encourage us to feel shame and guilt.  Rather, He invites us to let Him help us clean up our messes and escape from shame and guilt.

I did not always see things that way.  Having been raised by manipulators I quite naturally attributed those same characteristics to God.  It is the most natural thing in the world to assume that God is somehow just like our mortal parents.  The thing is, the natural man is an enemy to God.  If our parents are manipulators, chances are we assume God is too.  Let me assure you He is not a manipulator.  His work and his glory are to bless his children, not to bring credit and honor to His own name.  He was willing to sacrifice His only begotten Son for the express purpose of facilitating our freedom, growth and development; for our benefit, not His.  In doing so God rejected the manipulative plan of Lucifer whose only object was to aggrandize himself.   When we as parents exercise unrighteous dominion over our children we are exercising manipulation and are re-subscribing to a plan and method we once rejected.  In doing so we are not following the example of our Eternal Parent.

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[1] Jacob 7

[2] Alma 30

[3] Judges 6

[4] Alma 58

Chapter 8 - Becoming Manipulators Ourselves

The very moment we respond to a manipulator with an incongruent act, a lie or outright rebellion, we have joined their ranks.  This disease or system of behavior is just that insidious.  Any violation of true principles, in order to appease a manipulator is also manipulation.  It is!  By definition!  What are we doing?  We are trying to play upon or control our manipulator by devious means to accomplish our own ends, which are generally to get them off our backs!

I attended a 12 Steps meeting in the County Jail once as a guest of the Facilitator.  During the meeting the Facilitator noticed one of the younger inmates wearing a brand new pair of Airwalk sneakers.  He stopped his discussion, turned to the young fellow and asked, “Who did you have to manipulate to get those new shoes?”

“Nobody.”

“Really?  How’d you get them then?”

“My Mom brought them to me.”

“Why did she do that?”

“Because I asked her to.”

“Could you tell us what you said when you asked her to?”

The young man hung his head and muttered something unintelligible.  You need to understand that my Facilitator friend had, himself, spent four years in the State Penitentiary.  This kid wasn’t pulling the wool over his eyes.  He asked the young man to stand up.  He instructed him to hold his head up, look him in the eyes and answer the question, out loud, like a man.  The young man stood trembling, with tears rolling down his cheeks and he looked at his mentor and said, “I told her that if she loved me she’d get me some new shoes.”

My friend commended him for his courage to face his own failings.  That was all that was said on the subject.  The young man knew that by putting his mother on a guilt trip, he had most definitely manipulated her.  When it came down to identifying what he’d done, he was automatically ashamed of himself.  Instead of cowering in fear of repercussions, the young man stood and took full responsibility for the shameful thing which he had done.

At the end of the meeting, the embrace between these two men was heartfelt and sincere.  Each clearly knew the heart of the other with no deceit or ulterior motives clouding their relationship.  One day, with such practice, that young man might also enjoy such an open, honest relationship with his mother, untainted by manipulation.

Guilt tripping is rampant in our culture.  It is probably the most common form of manipulation.  One of the places it occurs most is in the church.  I remember a young man whose father was not active in church.  When he turned sixteen and became eligible to deer hunt his father suggested they go get his first deer on Sunday.  The young man had an enormous struggle.  On the one hand he was a faithful priesthood holder who wanted to do his duty.  On the other hand his father only had Sundays off and there would be no other opportunity to hunt with him.  Now, I’m not even going to suggest what the appropriate course of action might be in this situation.  I can personally see merits in either choice.  I also think that this was a decision best left to the young man.  After all, we are given our own personal agency, are we not?

His Priest’s Quorum adviser, however, had other ideas.  He seemed certain the young man was bound for hell if he went hunting.  So certain, that he told him so.  He spread the guilt on the poor young man and secured a commitment to stay and attend to his Priesthood duties.  The boy’s father went without him; after a few words that may have been manipulative as well.  That father died of a heart attack that morning, alone on the mountain, while his son was in Priesthood Meeting.  The boy never set foot inside the church again.

Had that boy made his own decision, unfettered by the manipulation of his leader, he might be active in the church today.  The decision would have been his own, and he wouldn’t have had the church to blame.  As it was, a powerful personality had unfairly influenced his choice and thus embittered him by the outcome.

I preyed upon my wife in a similar manner once.  I had announced my forthcoming retirement from UPS.  My wife was overjoyed and asked me what I intended to do next.  I told her that my pension would not be sufficient to keep us as comfortably as we’d become accustomed….unless….we went on a Mission to the Philippines, where our monthly expenses would be much cheaper.

My wife has not been interested in going on a senior mission.  I have known this for quite some time.  I on the other hand am hard pressed to think of a time when I was more joyful than during my missionary experience.  Going again would be a real treat for me.

My statement to her was a clear case of what I now call spiritual manipulation, though I didn’t recognize it at the time.  All I knew right then was her reaction was one of obvious disappointment and very obvious withdrawal.  She was not the only one who withdrew; so did the Holy Ghost.  Being shut out by my wife and the Spirit simultaneously was not an experience that was easy to miss.  I was sick about it and very confused.  After a couple of days of this seemingly universal cold shoulder I decided I’d better fast and pray and try to come to some understanding of what I had done wrong.  I was sure it would please the Lord if we went on a mission.  I had plenty of authoritative reference material to back up my position.  I could understand my wife’s dismay, but why would the Spirit of the Lord be withdrawn.

I went to the temple and spent a good time in the Celestial room pondering my dilemma.  After much prayer and consideration I felt the loving presence of the Spirit; come to instruct me.  Into my mind came these words.

“You despise manipulation don’t you?  Can’t you see that even spiritual manipulation is wrong?  You were wrong in putting your wife on a guilt trip that way.  She has her agency too, you know.  If I want you on a mission, I’ll get you on a mission!  It is a call, after all!  You don’t need to pull any strings to ensure that my will for you is accomplished.  I am able to do my own work.  All you must do is serve me where you’re planted.  It may not be on a mountain height or over the stormy sea…”

Now, you might imagine that these words came into my mind as scolding or chastening; not so.  They came to me, borne of the Spirit as sweet words of instruction and comfort.  I walked out of the Temple completely emancipated from what I had considered an obligation that I was going to be unable to fulfill.  I had thought I was expected to go on a mission and that I had to exert all the influence I had to see that it came to pass.  I was building a tower of Babel and the goal was more important to me that who got trodden on or pushed aside during the construction of it.

Now, I had heard many times, from the pulpit, that a Senior Mission was a desirable thing to do.  I’m not saying that the speakers had intended to put me on a guilt trip (though I have heard guilt trips delivered from the pulpit on occasion) but being a manipulator, it is just as likely that I, as a natural response to my culture, put myself on a guilt trip and then attempted to transfer it on to my dear wife.

Remember our discussion of internal, spiritual wounds that are the cause of the outward behavioral symptoms we see in so many.  My observation is that most if not all of those wounds come of manipulation in one of its ugly forms.  Consider a few examples:

Rape:  Is there a worse case of manipulation, of controlling another for one’s own purposes?

War:  How many soldiers, lacking any personal conviction as to the value and merit of their commitment come home mentally and emotionally ill because they’ve been manipulated into doing something horrifying for someone’s purpose other than their own?  Meanwhile, soldiers who feel a commitment to a cause, having chosen to go, rather than having been manipulated into the battlefield, more often come home healthy.

Trophy Kids:  By this I mean kids whose parents want them to be successful for personal reasons, like bragging rights, instead of for the child’s own development and happiness.  I see this quite often on the Little League field and other sports venues.  It happens in beauty pageants and spelling bees and any where excellence might boost a parent’s own ego.  Kids can sense whether a parent’s interest is in themselves or in their child.

Domestic Violence:  Always the easy way for the manipulator to get his way; by brute force.

Bullying:  Not much different that domestic violence, is it?

Brow Beating:  Who has truly grown spiritually from being scolded, shamed, guilt tripped or brow beaten into something?  Of course not!  Doing the right things for the wrong reasons yields no satisfaction or peace; more likely resentment and bitterness which is an insidious form of personal injury inflicted on many.

The list could go on and on, but hopefully, you can see that manipulation in all its hideous forms is a key cause of the pain that results in widespread addiction and misbehavior.

All of us, if we’ve gone to school, voted for a political candidate, or bought a car, are victims of manipulation.  Most likely, all of us are also perpetrators of this tool of implementing Satan’s initial and insidious plan.  Let us strive to be more aware of manipulation’s destructive influence in our lives.

Chapter 7 - Suffering Manipulation

We live in a highly manipulative society.  By exposure, we learn that manipulative skills are useful in helping us get what we desire for ourselves.  Most of us learn this from manipulative parents, teachers, associates, employers and friends.  For the purposes of this discussion let’s use Merriam Webster’s definition:

to control or play upon, by artful, unfair or insidious means to one’s own advantage.

Often it is difficult to determine the motivations of the manipulator.  Often he will tell you he is “doing for your own good.”  He may even have himself convinced that such is his motivation.  Too often though, the real motivation for the manipulator is, as the definition explains, to gain some advantage for himself.  If the manipulator’s advantage is not part of the equation, we will call it influence and not manipulation.

If a parent exercises control over a child having a tantrum in a grocery store because she wants the child to learn appropriate social behavior, then it is influence.  If that same parent exercises control in the same situation for the purpose of avoiding personal public humiliation; it is manipulation.  I suppose the parent’s motivation may not make much difference early on; but it doesn’t take long for even small children to sense the difference.

Habitual manipulators quickly learn techniques that facilitate their control over others.  One is to never let the subject of your manipulation off the hook.  If the manipulator is never satisfied, his subject will stay on her toes.  Conversely, if the manipulator praises a job well done the subject may relax and revert to former ways that don’t benefit the controlling party.  That is unless the praise is a set up for further or deeper manipulative objectives.

Now, I’m no psychiatrist.  I have to empirical evidence to present in support of this discussion.  What I do offer is a measure of skill, acquired at the hands of parents who were master manipulators.

When I was doing the Fourth Step in the process of my recovery from addiction, my sponsor asked me to list all of the people, institutions and events for which I harbored resentment.  I was earnest in doing so.  In every case I began to realize that the resentment grew out of a perception that I was being, in most cases blatantly, manipulated.  Prior to this exercise I had held resentments for people; afterward my resentment was directed at the practice of manipulation.  I was able to forgive my manipulators because it is a learned practice; learned in a manipulative environment.  I was required to forgive them because I discovered that I too had become a masterful manipulator.  Of course, that meant I required forgiveness as well.

As children our first effort is to comply with our manipulator’s wishes.  We want to please; we need to keep the peace.

Later, as we begin to discover that noncompliance creates discomfort of some sort we still try to comply, but less willingly.  Soon, though we often discover that our manipulator can’t be pleased and that no matter how hard we try we can’t fully comply.  This is when, to keep the peace, we learn to lie.  If only we can persuade our manipulator that we’re doing what she wishes, maybe we’ll get along. 

The biggest way in which we lie, is in behaving in a way that is inconsistent with our true selves.  This incongruence becomes the beginning of many of our problems.  Pretending to be something we are not is the hardest, most destructive lie of all.  Well did Lehi say, “Woe be unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.”  In a most poignant way this is the immediate consequence of lying, not just the long term end result.  Living in a way that is dishonest and incongruent is hell.  It just is.

There is another step in this process.  Many of us get sick and tired of the burden of compliance and/or lying about it.  At this point we finally rebel.  We’ve had stomach full of manipulation and we finally say, “No more!”

This might be okay if we went back to being true to ourselves, but usually, we just become oppositionally defiant.  Too often we, in our rebellion, refuse to do anything our manipulator wants, even if it is to our own detriment.  This too is hell.  And it is hell bent for destruction.

I have a friend whose big sister was his primary manipulator.  They are both in their sixties now.  Their mother recently celebrated her 85^th birthday.  My friend adores his mother.  The big sister decided to throw a big party for mom and approached my friend in her typical manipulative style.  “We’re having a party for mom and you’d darn well better be there.”  Obviously, she was implying that he couldn’t possibly get anything right without her oversight.  Predictably, she was also going to take credit for his participation by informing everyone, including mom that she’d personally seen to it that he was in attendance.

Forty some odd years ago my friend had quit lying to his manipulator and simply rebelled.  He’d made a promise to himself that he’d never comply with her wishes again.  After all this time, his commitment held.  He did not go to the party.  He wanted to, but he couldn’t bear to have her get the credit.  It killed him to stay away, but it would also have killed him to go.  At least those are the words he used when he described his inner conflict to me.

Clearly, if he were healthy, mature, self possessed and humble, he would have done the right thing – regardless of who got the credit.  But people who are under the thumb of a serious manipulator are seldom healthy, mature, self possessed or humble.

In my work with troubled youth and addicted adults I see manipulation as a common thread and threat in their lives.  Most have departed from healthy living and responsible choice making as casualties along the course of manipulation.  Satan’s plan in the pre-mortal life was clearly an act of manipulation.  Remember the definition?  Was it not his desire to control and play upon us, by insidious means; for his own personal glory?  Was it not to accomplish his own personal ends, with no regard for what might become of us?  Absolutely, it was!  So here we are, having rejected his manipulation, and yet he has infiltrated our culture with the very method of controlling one another that we then, rejected.

Obviously there are degrees on both sides of this equation.  Most of society manipulates.  Usually, it is not utterly devastating.  But the more selfish society becomes the worse manipulation becomes and the more devastating results we see.  Our jails, prisons and therapeutic institutions are filling up with the carnage of this rampant disease.

Chapter 6 - Why Should We Fear?

Now that we’ve learned that seeking God’s counsel is to our distinct advantage lets deal a little more directly with our hesitation, our fear.

I have a good friend who grew up in North Dakota.  He learned to drive on the family farm.  His wife grew up in Los Angeles, California and learned to drive on the freeway.  Gus was quite aware that Kathy didn’t think much of his city driving.  One day he told me of a trip they’d taken over the weekend out to the City.  On the way he began to think about Kathy’s misgivings.  He realized that much of her difficulty arose from fear.  He decided to swallow his pride and let her drive.  Gus pulled the car over before they entered the busy streets, walked around and opened Kathy’s door. 

“Scoot over honey?” he asked.

“What’s this?” she queried.

“No sense both of us driving.”

I remember how I laughed.  It is funny because we all know about backseat drivers and what can result from such a situation.  Fear and pride can quickly spoil what might otherwise be a pleasant, happy time.  Gus had learned to put fear and pride aside.

Helaman and his Stripling Warriors had to do the same thing as they approached the city of Manti.  They were severely out manned, grossly under fed, and expected to rout an enemy that was firmly entrenched in superior fortifications.  They understood and accepted the Lord’s charge to retake the city.  They were past the stage of ignoring the Lord’s expectations, but they weren’t ignorant of the enormity of their task.  The following verses explain how they let go of fear and pride.

”Therefore we did pour out our souls in prayer to God, that he would strengthen us and deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, yea, and also give us strength that we might retain our cities, and our lands, and our possessions, for the support of our people.

 Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him.

 And we did take courage with our small force which we had received, and were fixed with a determination to conquer our enemies, and to maintain our lands, and our possessions, and our wives, and our children, and the cause of our liberty.

  And thus we did go forth with all our might against the Lamanites…[1]”

Did you notice that the Lord visited them with assurances that He would deliver them?  What might those have been?  Perhaps the scriptures assured them with reminders of other times when Israel was delivered from their enemies.  Quite possibly, they were assured by the Title of Liberty beneath which they knew their cause was just.  Very likely, the miraculous nature of their previous experiences, assured them that God was sustaining their best efforts.  I’m confident that they bore testimony to one another of God’s goodness and of His powerful support.  Surely, great assurance came from those powerful witnesses.

We are free to seek and obtain similar assurances when we are upon the Lord’s errands.  We too, can feast upon the assurance of the scriptures.  We too, may bear and hear powerful testimonies.  I think of the words of that great song which invokes God to be with you.  Remember the words, “keep love’s banner floating o’er you, smite death’s threatening wave before you, God be with you ‘til we meet again[2].

Surely the Nephites sang such a hymn as they marched off to protect their families beneath love’s banner, the Title of Liberty.  Do we march beneath love’s banner as we seek to overcome our problems?  If not there may be no assurances to be had.

The Lord assured them by speaking peace to their souls.  How blessed it is to go into life’s battles feeling the assurance of peace.  There may be hardship, suffering even loss, but the peace of knowing God has the outcome in His hands is a priceless gift given only to those who seek nothing but to do His will.

Finally, the Lord granted them great faith.  I used to think I had to conjure up my own faith from somewhere deep in my guts.  What comfort it is to hear these words.  Faith was given to them.  More and more I realize that God not only requires great things of us he grants us all the resources required to make them happen.  All of them. 

Nephi knew this,[3] may we?  And so, like Nephi, Helaman and his army “went forth” and without the loss of a single life took possession of all that quarter of the land.  Not for any power of themselves, but because of God’s divine assistance, His grace.

When I was first emerging from addiction, I had worked the 12 Steps as guided by Colleen Harrison through her great book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage.  I was feeling freedom for the first time in 45 years.  One morning I was studying the 11th Step which is about maintaining constant, conscious, contact with God.  The Spirit stirred within me and I desired to do this with all my heart.  Knowing that obedience to the promptings of the Spirit was key to receiving continuous guidance from the Spirit, I dropped to my knees to make such a commitment.  I promised Heavenly Father that for that day, I would do whatever He asked.  I committed to doing that one thing without fail.

I was having a wonderful day!  Everything was going according to plan.  In the late afternoon I went to Stake Priesthood meeting.  During the meeting the Stake President spoke.  He informed us that the Church had developed its own 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program.  He admonished any who suffered from addictive behavior to attend that meeting.  Immediately, the Spirit whispered, “Go to that meeting.”  My heart sank.

I wandered home in a daze.  Once there I retired to my room and dropped to my knees.  “I addressed Heavenly Father and reminded Him of my earlier promise.  I said, “Father, I know I promised that I’d do whatever Thou asked of me today, but I’m going to have to break that promise unless Thou art willing to let me off the hook on the meeting tonight.”

I just couldn’t do it.  I had lived a life of secrecy and care, fully intending that no one but my Bishops would ever know.  I had attended on line meetings of this nature had been triggered to use as a result.  I couldn’t imagine a meeting would be beneficial and knew it would be mortifying.  I plead and begged but could not feel excused to stay home.  I remained desperately, fearfully stubborn in my determination to stay home.  That is until, in my heart, I heard these words, “No sense both of us driving.”

As quickly as I had laughed when Gus told me his story, I realized what my Father was telling me.  If I didn’t get out of the driver’s seat, my safety would be in peril.  But if I would just trust His driving expertise I could just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.  He wouldn’t have to nag me and I wouldn’t be tempted to protect my pride with barbs and complaints about his counsel.  He had spoken to me in language that I could understand.  I am so grateful for that.

I got right up and went to that meeting.  I’m convinced that I wouldn’t be enjoying sobriety today, were it not for that fateful, blessed revelation and my eventual willingness to trust in the Lord.  He did indeed give me assurance, peace and faith sufficient for my need.  And, though I was seriously short of manpower to overcome my bondage He did, in very deed, deliver me because, trusting Him, I was finally willing to go forth.

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[1] Helaman 58:10-13

[2] Hymns, 152

[3] 1 Nephi 3:7

Chapter 5 - What Are We Waiting For?

When the Jaredites left the tower of Babel and headed for the Promised Land, they built barges and sailed some distance before coming to the shores of a great sea.  I have no evidence of this, but it seems like they may have sailed the length of the Mediterranean Sea and stopped to rest on the shores of the Atlantic, perhaps on the Iberian Peninsula.  At this point they settled down for a while.  They pitched their tents and went about local living for the next four years.

“And it came to pass at the end of four years that the Lord came again unto the brother of Jared, and stood in a cloud and talked with him.  And for the space of three hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared, and chastened him because he remembered not to call upon the name of the Lord.[1]

I’ve always taken this to mean that the Brother of Jared had stopped praying for four years.  Looking at this experience through the lens of my own experience though, I’ve come to believe that the Brother of Jared had probably said his prayers.  He and his family had continued to bless the food and go through the motions of prayer.  What I suppose he had failed to do was to ask the Lord for further direction.  It had been a long arduous journey already.  They had come a great distance and still not found the Promised Land.  Then, upon arriving at the great sea, they camped to rest. 

Certainly, they strongly suspected that their journey was not yet complete.  Surely, the need to cross the frightening obstacle before them kept niggling in the back of their minds.  Apparently, too fearful to ask, they just settled in and ignored the problem.  Don’t we often do the same thing? 

Most of us have encountered a problem that was too frightening to address.  We build our lives around it, hang decorations on it and try to camouflage its existence so we don’t have to deal with it.  We hesitate to bring it up with the Lord because we’re pretty sure He’ll expect us to deal with it.  We know we’d rather not and so we falter.

Mahonri Moriancumer (the brother of Jared) faltered in such a way for four years.  Certainly, he did so with the full support of his family.  I have faltered longer than that.

I too said my prayers.  I told Heavenly Father what I wanted.  I was happy to direct Him around the universe, but I was wholly unwilling to let Him direct me. 

I suppose that in the Jaredite’s collective imagination, the task of crossing the ocean was completely terrifying.  Clearly the vessels they had previously built weren’t adequate for such a voyage.  Most likely, they hadn’t a clue as to how to build vessels that were.  Probably, they were exhausted by the journey that brought them this far.  They likely thought, they deserved to kick back a while and get some rest.  Weeks turned into months, months into years and still they lingered on the plateau of their previous accomplishments, so very far from the summit of success.

They may well have needed a break, a time of recuperation, but they didn’t trust the Lord to see it that way.  We’ll deal with that in the next chapter.  For now though we need to address the issue immediately at hand.  The issue we all face; are we willing to take direction from the Lord or not?  Are we willing to approach our Goliaths?  Are we willing to climb our mountains?  Are we willing to do what it takes to reach the Promised Land?

Toward the end of my mission to the Philippines I was released as a Zone Leader and sent to spend my final three months as District Leader to the Marikina-Pasig District.  Our District had two Sisters and four Elders.  I was assigned a new missionary to train.  And, I was called to serve as the Branch President of the Marikina-Pasig Branch.  I was overwhelmed. 

The evening of this call I was also directed to attend a meeting of all the Branch Presidents in the city.  Mine was the only Branch presided over by a missionary.  The District President announced plans to build a new chapel in Quezon City.  It would be the second chapel to be constructed in that great country.  Each Branch was given an assessment for a portion of the building’s cost.  It was a time when some of the funds needed to be raised locally.  I was given the assessment for our Branch and then informed that we were expected to raise it before I departed for home in three short months.  I was stunned to say the least.

I could not imagine how on earth such an enormous project could be addressed in so short a time.

I went from that meeting to a transfer meeting where I was introduced to my new Greenie.  Greenie was an unfair term to describe Elder Hapi.  He was a man of faith, accomplishment and courage and he hit the ground running.  I don’t think he had a ‘green’ moment the entire time I worked with him.  He was the first student outside the United States to receive the David O. McKay Scholarship.  He’d been captain of the Church College of New Zealand rugby team.  He’d been recruited to play for the All Blacks and had come on his mission instead.  His Maori heritage included the boy who while receiving a name and a blessing by Apostle Matthew Cowley, had also received his sight.

I remember complaining that I couldn’t possibly accomplish what had been asked of me and being told by Elder Hapi that I didn’t have to.

“This is God’s work,” he explained in his rich New Zealand accent, “And He is able to do it.  All you have to do is be His voice and His hands.”

I had no idea what he was talking about.  I immediately went into denial.  I had plenty to accomplish and lots to keep me busy.  It was easy to ignore the terrifying task of raising such a substantial sum of money.  I excused myself saying, “I haven’t got the skills.”  “It is too much to ask to so short a time.”  “I was called to do missionary work, not fund raising.”  “How convenient it is for the District President, to have me to dump his responsibility upon.”  “I have too many responsibilities already; I certainly don’t need one more.”  Never once did I take the matter up with the Lord.  I suppose I told Him what He should do to fix the situation, but I never once asked what He would “have me to do[2].”

Elder Hapi could see that I was ignoring the elephant in the room, so he suggested we fast and pray, which we did.  I considered that fast to be the price I was going to pay to bribe God into doing the whole thing without me.

Then one day, out tracting, we encountered a man who was manager for the U-Tex professional basketball team.  At this discovery, the Spirit gave me a nudge which I ignored.   Then Elder Hapi gave me a nudge.  I ignored that too.  He nudged me again.  “What?”  I asked impatiently.

“Here is your answer.”

“Here is my answer to what?”

Seeing that I was clueless, he requested permission to proceed without me.  In my confusion I granted that permission.

Elder Hapi asked the fellow if his basketball team might be willing to play an exhibition game as a fund raiser to help us build a church building.  He told us he thought they might. 

The next two months were a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, setbacks and miracles that culminated in a wonderful occasion that not only raised our assessment, but bolstered the Branch budget and proved to be a remarkable missionary opportunity.  Elder Hapi, while graciously acknowledging and protecting the fact that I held the Priesthood keys for the task before us, carefully, kindly, taught me how to serve the Lord by asking Him what I should do, rather than spending my prayers telling Him what to do. 

Our loving Heavenly Father gave us plenty of practice.  We had to negotiate with government officials and church officials.  We even negotiated with the head of the Philippine Basketball Association who happened to be a Catholic Priest from Ireland.  So many times I was tempted to just give up, but on our knees, as Elder Hapi besought the Lord for direction, I began to learn how to receive that revelation and to have the faith to step into the unknown to carry it out.  I was terrified that the priest would turn us down, but his reply only verified what Elder Hapi had been trying to teach me.  “Go with God me boys!” he encouraged in his broad Irish accent.  “And tell’em a Jesuit sent ye!”

I was grateful for the good priest’s blessing, but I knew then who sent me and I finally and fully was willing to go.

We are all given such crises in our lives; problems and challenges that seem bigger than we can manage.  Circumstances that indeed are bigger than we are.  We are given opportunities that teach us to rely upon the grace and goodness of God.  

You may have one before you right now.  You might be ignoring it; that elephant in the room.  What are you waiting for?  In his book Promise Me, Richard Paul Evans makes a wonderful observation:

"Why do we delay the changes that will bring us happiness?  It's like finally fixing up the house the week before you sell it."

Do you wish your challenges would magically go away?  What would you learn from that?  You’ve probably prayed that God would take it away, like I did in the Philippines.  Won’t you consider asking God what you should do instead?  Let the Jaredites show you that “whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies[3].”

I am learning that my prayers get answered much more quickly and effectively when rather than giving God counsel, I take counsel from His hand[4].

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[1] Ether 2:14

[2] Elder Ezra Taft Benson, Think on Christ, BYU Speeches,  1 Oct 1983

[3] Elder Thomas S. Monson

[4] Jacob 4:10